My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
