Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
