Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
