I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
