Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
