I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
