Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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