I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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