dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
