She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
