Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
