You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
