Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
