I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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