i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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