Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
