he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
