i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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