My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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