i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
