This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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