Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was CRYING into my vagina
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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