Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
