my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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