i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
