my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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