Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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