Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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