A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
