Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
