im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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