It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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