Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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