So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
