could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
