we have pet lesbian snakes
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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