i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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