i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
