I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
