I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
