My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
