I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We had sex on a dog bed..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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