She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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