I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
