Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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