I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
