I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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