I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
