i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
