dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
