Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
